June 9, 2014
LAGOS, NIGERIA (UNS - Unsaintly News Service)

The annual Anglican Confessing Christian Crusading Honchos (ACCCH) convention was thrown into chaos today when God was denied admittance to the gathering.

"He refused to sign the statement of faith," said North American Chapter President, the Rev. David C. Handyman."We had no alternative. Anyone who refuses to sign our Confessional Statement must be banned, in accordance with our constitution. We do this with a heavy heart and great sadness. Frankly, we are baffled by God's refusal to abide by His own Word. Not only that, He defaced our signature forms."

In a statement issued by the Archangel Michael, God explained that She has boycotted previous conventions of the group and its predecessors.

"However, I consider that now is the time for me to make a statement," God said. "I wrote on their Confessional Statement that I am still an active, living God, that I am unchanging, but I constantly seek to reveal Myself to the world and my spirit is still hard at work to bring all of you into the Kingdom. ACCCH didn't seem too interested in hearing this. They told me that everything I had done was done and was written in the Bible and I couldn't go around 'spouting new stuff.' I take issue with this. I also take issue with implications that I do not love all my children. I created them, I gave life to them; they are my own and I love them. I seek to bring them all close to Me."

Handyman responded, "We simply cannot accept this. I sorrowfully regret that we must charge God with heresy. God appeared at the convention in a feminine form, which we considered a slap in the face. And He, She, whatever, also made statements to the effect that He, uh, God, was pleased with certain gay/lesbian priests and bishops and their examples of God's love. God also claimed to love even those who have not yet accepted Jesus Christ as personal savior. This goes against more than 2,000 years of tradition.

"For the sake of the members of our convention, who feel they cannot meet in the atmosphere of intimidation to which we would be subjected by this kind of liberalism, we must deny admittance to all heretics, including God."

The Archangel delivered a subsequent statement from God, ominously giving the ACCCH seven days to repent.