Friday, June 11, 2004

Part 3 - go to the entry of Tuesday, June 8, for Part 1.

June 12, 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C. (UNS - Unsaintly News Service)

Clergy of various denominations gathered today for a PSS roundtable discussion of the implications of the appearance of God in Lagos, Nigeria, June 9.

Present were Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church of the USA, the Rev. Susan Russett; president of the North American Chapter of Anglican Christian Confessing Crusading Honchos (ACCCH), the Rev. David C. Handyman; the Rev. Billy Cracker of the Billy Cracker Crusade; Archbishop T. Herman Ensley of the Catholic Diocese of Upper East New York and the Rev. Harry I. Knowit of Intellectuals in Search of the Historic Jesus. Clement Snively of PSS moderated the discussion.

The following is a transcript of today's extraordinary events, provided by PSS.

Moderator: Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. I'm sure you'll agree the circumstances warrant timely consideration.

Cracker: Yes, indeed. It was worth the effort. (He adjusts settings on life-support equipment.)

Handyman: Well, I for one, just do not accept that it was the real presence of God there in Lagos. God would never go against His, er, Her own scripture. It's simply impossible. Scripture condemns certain activities, and I'm tired of being persecuted for proclaiming the Bible as the sole, inerrant way of knowing God. It is blasphemy to interpret scripture to say that gays and heathens are going to be up there in heaven. It goes against God's law.

Russett: I'm sure you've heard this before, but the primary law that came from Jesus was, "Love each other as I have loved you."

Moderator: So, let me clarify. Rev. Handyman, you do not accept that it was God at your gather, but Rev. Russett, you do.

Handyman: No, I'm sure this is part of a liberal plot to persecute the faithful.

Russett: There was no plot. God decided she was tired of being unheard.

Moderator: Why, do you suppose, didn't she just enter the convention, anyway, if she is the Almighty, instead of asking permission at the door.

Russett: Now, here you see thousands of years of tradition. God does not usually enter where she is not welcome.

Cracker: I saw the tapes, and I'm convinced, it was God. I'm calling for a day of national and international repentance. As you know, I've booked Yankee Stadium and have called the faithful to gather together tomorrow for an outpouring of confession and prayer. We expect the stadium to be packed with people, but if you can't get in, just go to the nearest church, synangogue, mosque or place of prayer, and PRAY, brothers and sisters. Pray for the mercy of God.

Ensley: The Pope sent me a statement last night, asking me to announce his renunciation of papal infallibility. He said he was convinced of the presence of God in Lagos, and he will obey God's will. A papal bull regarding the acceptance of diversity is forthcoming.

Knowit: Surely all of you cannot accept this prank. We know that the concept of God is an anthromorphism -- there is no God who simply shows up and wants to be let into a convention, any more than Jesus actually walked on the water or fed the 5,000. These are all just stories to convince the superstitious. And it can't be proved that Jesus ever actually existed.

Handyman: All of you are heretics and apostates. (jumping up from chair) You are a bunch of twisted, lying liberals.

Cracker: Just who you calling either twisted or liberal, sonny.

Handyman: The Bible is clear about the inerrancy of Scripture! This is about correct theology. (sputters, turns red) If you can't confess to the inerrancy of scripture instead of confessing to some trumped up joke HAAACCCCKKKKKKKuh. (Suddenly, Handyman is suspended six feet in the air, as is Knowit. There is general confusion.)

(A mule saunters onto the set, looks at the two dangling gentlemen, and says, in the same feminine voice heard on the Lagos tapes, "Surely, gentlemen, there must be some way to convince you. If you are willing to ask me into your heart, you are forgiven. If you persist in the actions and attitudes so lacking in love for your fellow human beings ... well, the choice is yours. Choose life or death. After all, Rev. Handyman, I am an abomination by your definition." The mule turns to the camera, smiles broadly, and winks.)


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