Friday, September 24, 2004

Dreaming of Jeanne and invading Canada

YES, Jeanne is coming at us. My prediction was too correct -- she's been like a shark circling, rebuilding her strength, deciding where she would take a bite out of Florida. Looks like us again. Sigh.
I'll post more on that later, but in the meantime, here's something
I wrote partly for fun, but based on truth, except the invasion far as I know, anyway!

U.S. to liberate Canada - invasion set

WASHINGTON, D.C. - UNS (Unsaintly News Service) - Confirming rumors running rampant in the nation's capital, President Bush announced a massive invasion of Canada by U.S. troops is in the works. Even as this newspaper goes to print, forces are setting up staging areas along the Canadian borders of New York, Vermont, Maine and Minnesota. Sources inside the State Department say Ottawa, Montreal and Quebec are targeted cities for U.S. troop deployment, which will probably start Nov. 3.

Tensions have long been building between the two countries' governments, with the president claiming Canada has stockpiled numerous WMDs (weapons of medicinal dispensement). The president claimed Canada's actions in continuing to fill Americans' prescriptions at about 40 percent of the cost in the United States is "economic terrorism, attacking one of our most vital and sacred industries, pharmaceuticals."

In addition, the U.S. president charged Canada with biological terrorism, by filling prescriptions with drugs untested by the FDA and endangering millions of U.S. lives.

Canadian Minister of North American Relations, Hugo Putupon, hotly denied these allegations in a BBC interview today.

"It's ridiculous," he stated. "These are the exact same drugs sold in the United States, made by U.S. pharmaceutical corporations, and Candian controls on drug manufacture are at least as stringent as the FDA's. If the United States is concerned about these drugs endangering U.S. lives, you would think they would be concerned about the safety of Candian citizens, also."

Putupon also contested U.S. military intelligence data suggesting Canada has stockpiled large quantities of U.S.-manufactured drugs in anticipation of boycotts by U.S. drug manufacturers. The prime minister accused the U.S. pharmaceutical industry of influencing American policy toward Canada.

"Because they spend $85 million a year lobbying the administration, they call the tune," Putupon said of the U.S. drug giants. "Plus, they donated almost $900,000 to the president's campaign coffers. Your own Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld is the former chief executive of one of the big drug makers, for heaven's sake."

Bush called these claims "absurd." He said, "It's all about national security. We have to protect our citizens. We have to protect our federal agencies, like the FDA. We have to protect our American way of life, and part of that is getting prescriptions filled at American pharmacies, not dealing with foreigners we don't know anything about."

The president also said, "It's important to bring our form of democratic government to the oppressed peoples of Canada, who have long suffered under the yoke of a socialist-leaning system. Governmental price control on prescription medications is just one example of this. The people of Canada know we are a freedom-loving nation, who want to bring them the same freedoms we share."

In response to questions about the advisability of invading Canada with winter coming, or, "the New Russian Front," as one pundit dubbed it, the president said there is no need for alarm.

"We've already figured that out and awarded Halliburton a $40 billion contract to provide our American forces with special, winterized uniforms, tanks and weapons. Dick Cheney has all the details on it," Bush reported.

In a related announcement, Attorney General John Ashcroft noted the arrest of two prominent Vermonters under the Patriot Act. Green Mountaineers Mayor Peter Clavelle of Burlington and U.S. Representative Bernie Sanders are being held at a detention center in Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba. Ashcroft said they may soon be allowed access to legal counsel and the media.

Ashcroft did not specify the nature of the charges, saying a statement will be issued next week, but Clavelle, as mayor of Burlington, is famous for leading a city plan, now in place, for city employees to buy lower-costing prescriptions from Canada, saving the city millions of dollars.

The National Guard has been sent into key cities like Burlington to keep the peace.

Sanders is one of the most vocal congressmen in the House, supporting legislation allowing reimportation of prescription drugs from Canada. He has accused U.S. drug companies of price-gouging and lying.

Sanders, also the first congressman to take citizens across the border to fill prescriptions, said buses full of Vermonters, mostly senior citizens, regularly go over the Canadian border for day trips. While there, they drop off prescriptions at Candian pharmacies, then pick up their filled prescriptions before heading home. Many said this, along with Internet purchases from Canada, is the only way they can afford life-saving prescriptions.

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