Sunday, September 09, 2007

Musings on death on a rainy Sunday afternoon



My mother is back in the hospital, and likely won't come out this time. I'm not trying to go see her. It's too far, and I don't have the money for gas, motel bills, etc.to go sit a death watch that could last days or weeks. She's where brother and his family live, and they should be there. Mom isn't really there now.

I'll go pay my respects when she's buried next to my dad.

I went to see her at the nursing home for a last goodbye, after she broke her hip. She was already fragile, and I figured she would go downhill rapidly. When I went in, she didn't know who I was until I told her. She forgot who I was several times during my visit, which I'm sure she completely forgot as soon as I was out the door. But I told her I love her, and her spirit remembers that.

The last couple of months, her mind has been completely gone.

I started dreaming about her a week before I got a call about the latest hospitalization, and I'm sure her spirit has left, too. She was letting me know that. It's just the remains of her body in that hospital bed.

This is a joyous occasion for my mother. She had always hated the idea of being helpless in any way. It was a blessing when she didn't realize anymore she was in a nursing home.

I've been meditating and praying. It's been a good, rainy afternoon, the kind of rain that washes away tears and pain.

Go in peace, Mom. Your creator will heal all your wounds and infirmities, and lift you up as on eagle's wings.


UPDATE 9-10-07

Mom's nurse said Mom is having difficulty breathing, even with a breathing mask, and her blood pressure is low. The nurse called Mom's condition "guarded," rather than "critical," which I take to mean they are not sure how long she will last.

UPDATE 9-13-07

Mom died around 6 o'clock or so this morning. I'm relieved for her; I know she is where she wants to be. Her mind is restored and she's out of that weak shell.

I've been shedding some tears, but I already did much of my grieving after the last visit with her. The warmth and caring of my friends, including all of you, are making this time so much easier than it would be. My love and thanks to you all.

38 comments:

Grandmère Mimi said...

Pat, my prayers and sympathy are with you. It's good that your mother does not know what a state she's in. May God be with her and with you and your family in her last days on this earth.

I know that it's hard for you even though you know all is for the best. May the peace of Christ be with your mother and with you and your family.

Saint Pat said...

Thank you, Mimi.

klady said...

I'm glad you're finding peace on this rainy afternoon. I empathize more than you can know. Blessings for you all.

Kathy

Padre Mickey said...

Pat, you and your mom are in my prayers.
I think you're right; she's already with the Lord.
Just know that we love you and are praying for you during this time.

Caminante said...

Prayers for you as you walk in this liminal time. And prayers for your mother as she goes to a new place.

Saint Pat said...

Thank you, you precious and wonderful people. Your prayers are so comforting.

Wormwood's Doxy said...

I'm praying too, Pat. May she go easily and may your love for, and memories of her, comfort you today and in the days ahead.

Pax,
Doxy

Ann said...

Prayers surrounding all of you.

Dennis said...

prayers for you and your mom and your family

Pisco Sours said...

Love and hugs to you, and prayers ascending for your mother, your family, and you. {{{{{Pat}}}}}

eileen said...

((((((Pat)))))) (((((Pat's Mom))))))

You are both in my prayers, and I'm sending out bucket loads of love your way.

May God hold you both warmly and firmly in the palm of his beloved hand as you face this sad time, and may your mother's spirit fly quickly to meet her Creator.

Mike in Texas said...

Your and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, Pat.

clumber said...

Prayers from the kennel here to join with the humans above!

A tail wag and a woof for you, Pat...

johnieb said...

Prayers for you and your Mom, Pat.

DaYouthGuy said...

Pat,
I was the "close one" when my mother died. I don't recommend sitting the death watch. My mother seemed to be hanging on long after it was clear she wasn't coming back. The last time I saw her I told her that it was OK to go. A couple days later I got the call that she had. It only struck me later that it was virtually the same date that my father had died a few years earlier.

Maybe, who knows?

Be at peace. Pray for her and yourself.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Peace
Jay

Suzer said...

Prayers ascending for you and your family, Pat. May the Grace and Peace of Christ be with you during this time.

Bluebird said...

Prayers and virtual hugs for you and your mother.

stumpjumper said...

Pat, you are in my thoughts and prayers, as is the rest of your family.
I was the far-away one when my mother passed and it was just as well. I was spared the final hours when she was no longer with us. only her body was here.
I wish you peace and fond memories, in that way your mother will be with you still.

Muthah+ said...

SP, You are in my prayers. I am the far away one in my family and my brother isn't too good about visiting either. But know that the prayers that you offer will sustain her when she can no longer know you.

Ellie Finlay said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Pat. It's hard. I know. May you be comforted and may your mother be comforted too as is possible.

Special prayers for you both.

pj said...

(((Pat))) Prayers and good thoughts and strength heading your way.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Prayers ascend, Pat, for you and your mother.

terri c said...

Prayers for you and your mother. It is just plain hard. May her last journey be peaceful.

Catherine + said...

Dear Pat, I know how hard a time this is for you; no matter how prepared we think we are, we are never truly prepared. Blessings of peace, calm and stillness for you; blessings of love and comfort, and the knowledge that you are surrounded in Christ by Him and us.

Catherine+

Charlotte said...

Prayers for you and your mother and your brother and his family: for a peaceful and gentle leave-taking; for the gift of tears; for the communion of saints.

Caminante said...

Pat, just catching up with your news. Do know that we will remember her in the prayers of the people on Sunday. And know that I will remember you in my prayers. Be gentle with yourself.

PseudoPiskie said...

The worries, the pain, the frustrations are all gone now.

Peace and hugs, Pat.

JCF said...

Saint Pat,

I'm in much the same place you were in (my mom's in late stage ALS---though, as of last Sunday, her mind is still there. More or less.)

I said my last in-person Good-Bye a couple of weeks ago, and now I'm half way across the country, waiting.

It's hard.

God, it's hard.

Prayers for&with you. And, as I believe your mother is now in a position to pray for *me*, I hope she will---you too.

JCF

Saint Pat said...

JCF, you and your mom are in my prayers. God bless you and keep you both.

You're right, it is hard.

Juanuchis said...

{{{Pat}}}

My prayers and love too.

Janis

eileen said...

Pat - Just catching up with your news, and sorry I'm late with this.

My prayers are ascending for you and your brother. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I am glad her suffering is over, for the little comfort that is worth!

clumber said...

Add my feeble canine prayers to the crowd above. And add in a wag of the tail in support to you as well.

clumber

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

You and your mother were remembered in prayers at our Eucharist yesterday. I am holding you both in prayer now. May your mother rest in peace and rise in glory.

pj said...

(((((Pat)))))

KJ said...

(((((Pat))))))

Peace of Christ, and may you be blessed with many memories of your mother.

Linda McMillan said...

May you be comforted in all things, especially now.
Lindy

Mother Laura said...

Deepest sympathy on the loss of your mother, prayers for God to hold her and those who love her in the most tender care...and gratitude that with the grief you can also feel peace knowing she is free from pain.

Thank you so much for visiting and expressing such beautiful kindness during the loss of my baby. I was so grateful and amazed at how much love and support came through the blogosphere, and know how much the prayers helped and will continue to do so as I go through my own grief process.

Saint Pat said...

Oh, Laura, may God's messengers, the angels, surround you and lift you up with God's love and ours.

It is an amazing community we have here in the blogosphere, that we can support each other in Christ. I have been so moved by the thoughts and prayers of everyone. Knowing my mother and I are being upheld in prayer, and in prayers of the people around the country, make me appreciate how we come together as this community. The kindness of all of you in this community brings me tears of gratitude.

May God keep us and bless us all, and make his face to shine upon us.