Saturday, February 14, 2004

Strange world

In the last posting I said the world seems a little bit strange these days. The succeeding days got a whole lot stranger. I got involved in a heated quarrel with my now ex-rector, Father Dearest, who took exception to a magazine article that I forwarded to five or six people I know, a few on the vestry and the others not. He accused me, rightly, I suppose, of trying to discredit the AAC Network. Then he made a false accusation against me.

I responded in defense of myself and said that besides, I have the right to share a magazine article without his permission. He responded with a no you don't, and more accusations. This went for a few rounds, with a number of people privy to it. There were people in Father Dearest's face in my defense.

I'm not proud of this, however. I just completed a course on reconciliation. I should have stopped immediately and said, "Let's sit down and talk." I didn't do it until my spiritual director prodded me to. I sent the father an e-mail saying we were both hurting over this and can we meet and talk about it. He responded with one in kind.

We met, talked, agreed to meet again the next day before I made a final decision to leave. We prayed together and asked forgiveness of hurts and professed Christ's love for each other. I went through with my resignation, on satisfactory parting terms, I think.

I have forgiven him and I pray that he has forgiven me for hurts toward each other.

The strangest part is trying to understand the heart and mind of another person. I really just don't understand. I really do love this man who taught me so much of the Gospel message. I don't understand how or why he can say and do some of things he does. It takes the multi-dimensionality of God to see into our hearts, minds and souls.

This is why I must remove myself as judge; this is why only God can judge him. I can know or at least feel certain things about him, but I don't know that hidden interior that God knows intimately, that store of hurts and griefs and abandonments and whatever that influence another person's actions. No one even understands their own most of the time.

My job here is to forgive so that my judgments and anger are not a barrier between me and God. As a Christian, it is my job to reach out to whatever reconciliation I can, to love with Christ's love and see with Christ's eyes.

It isn't easy for me to let go and hand it over to God. It is much easier, more natural to react in judgment and seek vindication. But that is not what Christ requires, and I count myself a follower of Christ, so I am praying for Him to help me become more like Him.

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